Narcissistic Gaslighting Is a Scary Combination: 7 Signs You're Experiencing It (2023)

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expert opinion

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expert judge:

April 26, 2023

Nafeesah Allen, dr. sc.

Co-founder of mbg

Nafeesah Allen, Ph.D., MIA, is an American writer and independent researcher on migration, literature, gender identity, and diaspora studies in the Global South. He has a Ph.D. in Forced Migration from the University of the Witwatersrand and an M.A. in International Relations from Columbia University.

Expert opinion according to

Kristina Hallett, Ph.D., ABPP

Licensed clinical psychologist

Kristina Hallett, Ph.D., ABPP is a board certified clinical psychologist with a background in neurobiology. He is also the director of clinical education at Bay Path University and an associate professor of graduate psychology.

(Video) 7 Signs You're Emotionally Abusive To Others

The Importance of Narcissistic GaslightingIn relationshipsNarcissistic signs of gaslightingHow to deal with thisFrequently asked questions

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Narcissistic Gaslighting Is a Scary Combination: 7 Signs You're Experiencing It (4)

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April 26, 2023

Relationships can be difficult even with the best of partners. However, a relationship with a partner who makes you doubt yourself, controls your opinions, or criticizes your feelings can take a toll on your emotional and mental health.

When your partner is a narcissist, this behavior—also known as gaslighting—is just one of many manipulative tactics you can try in your relationship.

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Therapists explain in advance what are the signs that a narcissistic vent is happening in your relationship and how to deal with it.

(Video) 7 Signs You are Arguing With a Narcissist

What is narcissistic gaslighting?

Narcissistis a pattern of behavior characterized by an exaggerated sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy for others, a constant need for admiration and attention, and an inability to deal with criticism in a healthy way. Narcissists are easy to fall in love with because they don't show their worst traits at first. But with timenarcissistic abusemay become more common. A common warning sign is repetitiongas lighting.

"Gaslighting is when someone tries to convince you that their reality is real and yours is not" - psychotherapistCynthia LaForte, LCSWsays mbg. "It may look like control and manipulation because it is, but it serves the person pushing the gas." He adds that it can seem like one person is always right and the other is always wrong.

The gas burner must impose his own reality on others, because it is too threatening to admit that someone else may have different experiences than his own. They may try to "plant seeds of doubt in the victim by making him question his memory, perception and logic," the lawyer says.CandaceKotkin-De Carvalho, LSW, LCADC, CCS, CCTP.

Narcissistic gaslighting is when a narcissistic person uses gaslighting tactics to bolster their ego or sense of superiority over others. "Gaslighting is a way to get narcissistic supply out of someone," LaForte explains. Narcissistic resources are attention - negative or positive - that the narcissist manages to use for self-affirmation and self-importance.

Additionally, narcissists need their reality to be real—and true to everyone—because their sense of self is too fragile to allow for even the possibility of an experience different from their own, LaForte explains.

Narcissistic gaslighting in relationships

According to Kotkin-De Carvalho, narcissistic gaslighting in relationships is a common tactic to maintain control over partners and create an atmosphere of fear and confusion. Subtle methods such as lying, making false accusations or withholding information can be combined with more overt tactics such as intimidation or appeasing the partner's feelings to manipulate the partner into doing what they want.

Narcissists use gaslighting to distort or undermine their partner's sense of reality, which can prevent them from speaking out against the narcissist's behavior or ending the relationship altogether. It may take one observation of a person or repeated cycles of narcissistic phenomena before you realize you are at the endnarcissistic relationship patterns.

It may be easier to see that you are dealing with narcissistic gaslighting once you try itbreak up with a narcissist. This can be extremely difficult because they want to play mind games or undermine your support systems long after you've told them it's over.

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7 Signs of Narcissist Gas:

1.

Denial of reality

Kotkin-De Carvalho says narcissists can tell conflicting stories or make false accusations that can cause great distress to their partners. They can deny that something happened or pretend it didn't happen. Narcissists are difficult to hold accountable because they often find ways to deny facts or deflect responsibility.

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2.

Reduce emotions

Adding insult to injury, once the narcissist causes the partner to question aspects of their own life that they know to be true, the narcissist can invalidate the feelings this causes in the partner. A narcissist may tell his partner that his feelings are irrational or exaggerated. A narcissist might say things like "You're exaggerating" or "You're too sensitive" after saying very hurtful, belittling, or contradictory things to their partner. (Here are some othersexample phrases for gas lighting.)

If you're in a relationship where you always feel like you're wrong or in the wrong no matter what, that relationship probably isn't healthy. But if you notice that your partner isNeverwrong andNevertakes responsibility for his actions, you're probably dealing with narcissistic lighting.

3.

(Video) 7 Reasons You’re Attracting Narcissists & How To Stop

Blaming the victim

LaForte says the petrolhead needs to be right to validate and maintain a narcissistic sense of self. They may accuse their partner of being too sensitive or imply that the victim actually forced them to behave or communicate in a negative way. Again, narcissists do not take responsibility for their actions, so partners can expect to be blamed for the negative aspects of the relationship. The narcissist, on the other hand, takes a lot of credit for the positive aspects of the relationship.

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4.

Twisting the truth

It's a sign you're experiencing narcissistic enlightenment, "if you're constantly adapting to someone else's way of thinking as opposed to your own," says LaForte. "An internal struggle can be actively convincing yourself that someone else's reality is right and yours is wrong. Or maybe you just implicitly believe that you can't trust your experiences and have to rely on someone else to tell you.

If the narcissistic partner repeatedly says things like "You're remembering wrong" or "That's not what I said," they may be distorting the truth.

5.

Using offensive language

Narcissists are not the best listeners. They are more known for dismissing their partners with abusive language like "You're crazy" or "You're paranoid" instead of listening with empathy.

In fact, people associated withdark personalities— sociopaths, psychopaths and narcissists — can useempathy as a weapon. They can say intentionally hurtful things that they already know play on their partner's vulnerability and vulnerability. Don't expect narcissistic Ghazans to soothe or validate your feelings.

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6.

Withholding affection or love

A narcissist may threaten to withhold affection or love if the victim does not comply with their demands or agree with their version of events. For example,female narcissistThey are said to use neglect or guilt as a form of control, not only with romantic partners, but also with their children or other loved ones.

Often the target of narcissistscodependent personsas partners in relationships because they know that this type of emotional manipulation is extremely effective with people who will do anything for their partner's approval.

7.

Isolation of the victim

Narcissists love control. One way to make sure they always work is to isolate the partner from friends and family who may disagree with the relationship or question the narcissist's behavior. It is common for a narcissist to discourage spending time with friends or family or to try to move with their partner to a new place away from people who know the couple. That way, whenever narcissistic illumination occurs, it is more difficult for the victim to grasp onto a reality other than the one the narcissist presents.

How to deal with a narcissistic vent:

He is looking for support

"Having a strong support system is a good way to start dealing with narcissistic gaslighting," says Kotkin-De Carvalho. It's important to have people around you who can help validate your feelings and reassure you that your perspective is correct. They can also help you recognize the signs and patterns of gaslight so you can spot it when it happens, he says. Reach out to a trusted friend or family member or think about itmeeting with a therapistwho specializes in narcissistic abuse.

(Video) 7 Mind Games Narcissists Use to Manipulate You

Set boundaries.

Although it is difficult to communicate with narcissists, one of the things you definitely need to overcome is your own boundaries. Some people go so far as to break off contact with the narcissist, but for others, smaller milestones would be important before this stage. Boundaries, such as maintaining time with family and friends regardless of the narcissist's protests, are very helpful. Even asking them not to interfere in activities that are most important to you can also be a boundary.

Also, be aware of controlling and manipulative tendencies in your social media or contacts. Many people find blocking their accounts and blocking phone tracking necessary to set boundaries with a narcissist.

"If the situation becomes too difficult or dangerous, remove yourself from the situation and ask for help from someone you trust," says Kotkin-De Carvalho. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, remember that you are not responsible for their behavior. Remember, no one deserves emotional abuse.

Reconnect with your own reality.

Work on rebuilding yourssense of selfand confidence in one's own observations. Stick with therapy, try mindfulness meditation, or practice other activities that will helpreconnect with your inner voice. Keep a journal and record your experiences and feelings.

These tactics will help you process what happened and validate your feelings about what you experienced. Re-reading the journal or listening to the patterns the therapist has identified can also help you recognize patterns of abuse and learn how to avoid manipulation in the future.

Practice self-care.

Struggles with a greedy narcissist are real. You may regularly feel depressed or unmotivated. Kotkin-De Carvalho suggests taking time for yourself, focusing on activities that make you feel good, and reconnecting with people who offer you support and a sense of security. Self-care can include exercise, a balanced diet and good sleep.

Be kind to yourself and admit your hurt. Give yourself time to heal and don't blame yourself for what happened.

Frequently asked questions:

Is gas a sign of narcissism?

According to LaForte, gas isn't always a sign of narcissism, but it can be. Narcissists have an inflated sense of self-importance and need for admiration, which can lead them to manipulate people to get what they want from them.

"Not all people who feel unauthorized are narcissists," he explains, "but if someone regularly manipulates and causes the target distress or confusion, it may indicate narcissistic tendencies." Only an expert can diagnose someonenarcissistic tendencies.

How do you know if a narcissist turns you on?

Gaslighting by a narcissist can be difficult to spot because it often involves subtle, gradual manipulation. But some warning signs are that your partner dismisses your feelings and denies your reality, and you feel like you're constantly giving in to their way of thinking and convincing yourself that yours is wrong. Or maybe you just think you can't trust yourself. These are all signs that you have gaslight.

Do narcissists know when you're fading?

It's hard to say. Suppression is a deliberate tactic, but most narcissists can rationalize their behavior as causing the victim and may not see their actions as harmful or offensive.

LaForte says this varies depending on the narcissist's level of self-awareness. "However, in general, most narcissists do not understand the consequences of their behavior or the long-term effect that gaslighting can have on their victims," ​​he adds. Therefore, it is very difficult to have a meaningful conversation with them about it and get them to admit or correct their behavior.

take out meals

It is important to recognize narcissistic gaslighting as a form of emotional abuse that can have serious negative effects on your mental health and well-being. Kotkin-De Carvalho says it's really problematic to know what you're dealing with when your partner can't accept your own experience as real for you.

Most people can understand that we can have our own experiences and someone else can have theirs. We should not change another person's opinion about something they have experienced. we can accept our differences and move on - not letting their experiences cancel out ours.

If you are in a relationship where your accounts of events are always challenged or corrected, you may be experiencing suffocation. If your partner blames you for your own feelings or you lack empathy when you say how much their reaction hurts you, you may be dealing with a narcissistic partner.

If you think you're dealing with narcissistic gaslighting, set boundaries and seek support from loved ones and perhaps a mental health professional. With the right support and tools, you can break out of the cycle of abuse and regain your self-esteem.

(Video) 7 Signs That You're Being Manipulated And Groomed By A Narcissist

If you are in immediate danger, call 9-1-1. For anonymous and confidential help, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1-800-787-3224) and speak with a trained attorney as often as needed. They are available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You can also chat with them via private live chattheir website.

FAQs

What do narcissists say during gaslighting? ›

Signs of Narcissist Gaslighting

They may try to make you feel like you're overreacting or being too sensitive by saying things like, “You're being paranoid,” or “You're imagining things.” They might also try to control what you do and who you see by trying to isolate you from your friends and family.

What are the 7 traits of a narcissist? ›

7 Characteristics of a Narcissist
  • 7 Characteristics of a Narcissist. ...
  • They seem perfect at first. ...
  • They talk about themselves almost all the time. ...
  • They are sensitive to perceived criticism. ...
  • They give backhanded compliments. ...
  • They manipulate your feelings. ...
  • They are arrogant. ...
  • They cannot stand rejection.

What are the 5 main habits of a narcissist? ›

Let's take a look at five of the most common characteristics of a narcissist in order to create awareness.
  • Inflated Ego. Those who suffer from narcissism usually seem themselves as superior to others. ...
  • Lack of Empathy. ...
  • Need for Attention. ...
  • Repressed Insecurities. ...
  • Few Boundaries.

What are the 4 D's of gaslighting? ›

There are four primary types of gaslighting behaviors: the straight-up lie, reality manipulation, scapegoating and coercion.

What words hurt a narcissist the most? ›

8 Things You Should Never Say to a Narcissist
  1. Don't say, "It's not about you." ...
  2. Don't say, "You're not listening." ...
  3. Don't say, "Ina Garten did not get her lasagna recipe from you." ...
  4. Don't say, "Do you think it might be your fault?" ...
  5. Don't say, "You're being a bully." ...
  6. Don't say, "Stop playing the victim."
Dec 15, 2017

What are the red flags of a narcissist? ›

They seem unable or unwilling to have empathy for others, and they appear to have no desire for emotional intimacy. Unrealistic sense of entitlement. They expect others to cater to their desires and may get angry when corrected, put out, or treated as if they're “common.” Needs to be the center of attention.

What personality type do narcissists hate? ›

Type As can also be dangerous to narcissists

Although they can be targeted, type A people can also become a narcissist's worst nightmare. One of the most important defenses against dark personalities is having strong boundaries yourself, and type A people are usually aware they have the right to build them.

How do narcissists pick their victims? ›

A common misconception is that narcissists go for the weak, because they are easier to manipulate. In fact, narcissists prefer to try and hook someone in who is strong-willed, and who has talents or characteristics they admire. That way, they feel more accomplished if they succeed in tearing them down.

What are weird habits of narcissists? ›

One of the weird things narcissists do involves destroying your happiness and relaxing moments. They will purposefully do things to prevent you from doing something as simple as sleep. Even if you had a long day or are sick, a narcissist may start a fight while you are trying to sleep.

What is the number 1 narcissist trait? ›

Grandiose sense of self-importance

Grandiosity is the defining characteristic of narcissism. More than just arrogance or vanity, grandiosity is an unrealistic sense of superiority. Narcissists believe they are unique or “special” and can only be understood by other special people.

What is the one question to identify a narcissist? ›

“To what extent do you agree with this statement: 'I am a narcissist. '” Scientists believe that this question could be all researchers need to make a quick and easy diagnosis of narcissism.

What is the alarming of gaslighting? ›

Why gaslighting is so damaging. Gaslighting makes you doubt your own perception, your feelings, and your memory. It makes you doubt reality itself, and therefore your own sanity.

What are the two signature moves of gaslighting? ›

If we stick to the clinical definition, gaslighters have two signature moves: They lie with the intent of creating a false reality, and they cut off their victims socially.

What is the #1 word a narcissist Cannot stand? ›

It comes hand-in-hand with this that narcissists hate being criticised or called out. Which is exactly why there's one word in particular narcissistic people cannot stand: "no".

What are narcissists so angry about? ›

Deep-Seated Fear of Rejection / Being Unimportant – This is the core of narcissistic rage. Many narcissists are constantly hounded by the insecurity that people may not see them as the privileged, powerful, popular, or “special” individuals they make themselves to be, and react intensely when their fears are confirmed.

What words trigger a narcissist? ›

7 Gaslighting Phrases Malignant Narcissists, Sociopaths and Psychopaths Use To Silence You, Translated
  • You're crazy/you have mental health issues/you need help. ...
  • You're just insecure and jealous. ...
  • You're too sensitive/you're overreacting. ...
  • It was just a joke. ...
  • You need to let it go. ...
  • You're the problem here, not me.
Mar 19, 2019

What phrases would a narcissist use? ›

"You're a bad person." "Nobody else will ever love you." "I'm the best you'll ever have." "Have fun being alone for the rest of your life."

What to say to outsmart a narcissist? ›

Outsmart the narcissist by refusing to stoop to their level.

Instead, you can take control by making empathetic statements about the situation, which will help the narcissist calm down. Narcissistic Partner: “I can't believe you forgot to pick me up from work! I can never rely on you.”

What is the most overlooked symptom of narcissism? ›

Habitual Non-Listening

Ever spoken with someone who responded dismissively to everything you said? Narcissists brush aside or deprecate what others say instead of truly listening.

What is the dark side of a narcissist? ›

Beyond the desire to focus primarily on themselves and be held in high regard by virtually everyone in their lives, people with malignant narcissism tend to have a darker side to their self-absorption. These individuals can be highly manipulative and don't care who they hurt as long as they get their own way.

What are three signs of a highly sensitive narcissist? ›

They often take things personally, agitate over “how dare they say/do this to me”, and have difficulty letting go. Two other common traits of the highly sensitive narcissist are narcissistic brooding (cutting resentment and simmering hostility), and narcissistic rage (intense angry outbursts).

What weakens a narcissist? ›

A monumental weakness in the narcissist is the failure to look internally and flesh out what needs to be worked on. Then, of course, the next step is to spend time improving. The narcissist sabotages any possibility of looking deep within.

Who do narcissists fear the most? ›

Although narcissists act superior, entitled and boastful, underneath their larger-than-life facade lies their greatest fear: That they are ordinary. For narcissists, attention is like oxygen. Narcissists believe only special people get attention.

Do narcissists hate happy people? ›

People with narcissism tend not to like seeing other people happy. When they see you happy, the best thing you can do is to stay firm on your boundaries, focus on the present and what makes you happy, and avoid getting into arguments. They might try to hurt you to disrupt your peace and justify their actions.

Why narcissists want to destroy you? ›

They want to see how much they can destroy you

Narcissists thrive on chaos, so they do not act out of jealousy, as that would imply they want your relationships, career, wealth, or health for themselves. Rather, they just don't want to see other people happy.

Will a narcissist spend money on you? ›

To narcissists, spending large amounts of money on others can be a way to get people to like them. They may be stingy in private, for example, but cover dinner for colleagues or give gifts just for show.

How does a narcissist treat a woman? ›

They will often deploy a variety of narcissistic relationship patterns such as manipulation, charismatic, and exploitational tactics in order to ensure that their own needs and wants are met. As a spouse, you may be the subject of their manipulation and abuse, while your partner treats everyone else positively.

How are narcissists with money? ›

Generally, narcissists are very frugal with their money and defensive with it. When it comes to their possessions, they don't give them freely. There is, however, more to this greed than self-preservation. Due to their lack of empathy, narcissists may not understand the benefits of sharing their resources.

What mind tricks do narcissists do? ›

Some common games someone with narcissistic personality disorder might engage in include:
  • blame shifting.
  • deception.
  • gaslighting.
  • ghosting.
  • love bombing.
  • playing the victim.
  • projection.
  • triangulation.

Do narcissists do housework? ›

When it comes to housework, narcissism can manifest in numerous ways. Some narcissists will avoid housework like the plague because it's “below” them. Others will do plenty of housework just to make you feel continuously indebted to them.

What type of narcissist is the smartest? ›

Cerebral narcissists, also known as intellectual narcissists, are individuals who try to fulfill their narcissistic supply through their perceived intelligence. While intellectual narcissists are generally smart, they may present as if they are more educated than they really are.

What is worse than a narcissist? ›

Sociopaths are more dangerous than narcissists. People with antisocial personality disorder are more likely to be engaged in an abusive or controlling relationship. They're also more likely to be involved in illegal activities or financial fraud schemes.

What personality type is a narcissistic? ›

Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition in which people have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance. They need and seek too much attention and want people to admire them. People with this disorder may lack the ability to understand or care about the feelings of others.

How do narcissists apologize? ›

In narcissists' efforts to avoid blame, they often combine several fake apologies at once, such as, “I am sorry if I said anything to offend you, but I have strong opinions. Maybe you're too sensitive,” or, “I guess I should tell you I am sorry. But you know I would never deliberately hurt you.

What is the no smiling test for narcissism? ›

Other narcissist "tests" are not at all scientifically validated, such as the so-called narcissist smile test, which claims that you can tell if someone is a narcissist based on how they react if you smile, look them in the eye, and tell them "no" in response to something they ask of you.

What is the most common test for narcissism? ›

The NPI is the most widely-applied measure for the assessment of narcissistic personality traits and, therefore, it is of great relevance for many research questions in personality and social psychology.

How do gaslighters apologize? ›

“A gaslighter will often make you beg for their forgiveness and apologize profusely for any 'wrong' you committed, even if it's something they did,” Stern says. Sometimes you may not even know what you're apologizing for, other than they're upset and it's your responsibility to calm them down.

How do you outsmart a gaslighter? ›

Here are eight tips for responding and taking back control.
  1. First, make sure it's gaslighting. ...
  2. Take some space from the situation. ...
  3. Collect evidence. ...
  4. Speak up about the behavior. ...
  5. Remain confident in your version of events. ...
  6. Focus on self-care. ...
  7. Involve others. ...
  8. Seek professional support.

What are the red flags for gaslighting? ›

Red Flag 1: You're doubting your own truth. Red Flag 2: You're questioning yourself excessively. Red Flag 3: You're feeling confused. Red Flag 4: You're frequently thinking you must be perceiving things incorrectly.

What is the most common form of gaslighting? ›

Shifting blame is a common gaslighting tactic. Accusing the victim of being the gaslighter causes confusion, makes them question the situation, and draws attention away from the true gaslighter's harmful behavior, Sarkis says.

Who is most vulnerable to gaslighting? ›

Gaslighting and Mental Health

You may be more vulnerable to gaslighting if you suffer from any mental health issues that weaken your resistance, such as a history of abuse or trauma, low self-esteem or depression, for example.

Who is most susceptible to gaslighting? ›

Highly sensitive people and empaths are more susceptible to gaslighting because they do not trust themselves and their intuitions. They doubt their own perspective even when they sense that something is wrong.

How do gaslighting victims act? ›

Along with questioning their own reality and beliefs, gaslighting victims often feel isolated and powerless. Gaslighting abuse symptoms also include low self-esteem, disorientation, self-doubt, and difficulty functioning in school, at work, or in social situations.

What personalities use gaslighting? ›

Gaslighting is the use of a patterned, repetitive set of manipulation tactics that makes someone question reality. It's often used by people with narcissistic personality disorder, abusive individuals, cult leaders, criminals, and dictators.

What are 3 words to describe a narcissist? ›

Synonyms of narcissistic
  • selfish.
  • egotistical.
  • egocentric.
  • egoistical.
  • egomaniacal.
  • self-absorbed.
  • solipsistic.
  • self-centered.

What do narcissists say in an argument? ›

It's not my fault, it's because of you/money/stress/work.” “If you wouldn't have done this, I wouldn't have done that.” “You knew what you were getting into; this is just the way that I am.”

What are the best mature phrases to say to a narcissist to shut them down? ›

What to Say to Disarm a Narcissist
  • “I don't agree with you, but you have a right to have your opinion. ...
  • “You are certainly entitled to your opinion. ...
  • “We can agree to disagree.”
  • “We will work on this together.”
  • “Let me ask your advice on this. ...
  • “I hear what you're saying.”
  • “I'm sorry you feel that way.”
Dec 12, 2021

What words hurt a narcissist ego? ›

Phrases and Words That Destroy Narcissists
  • 'I know the truth about you' or 'I see right through you' ...
  • 'I don't remember that' ...
  • 'I'm busy and don't have time for you right now' ...
  • 'You are a failure' or 'I am so disappointed in you' ...
  • 'It's your fault' ...
  • 'I Don't Believe You' ...
  • 'Goodbye'

What is a sample sentence for gaslighting? ›

His gaslighting was a deliberate attempt to convince her that she was losing her grasp on reality. Gaslighting is the process of causing someone to doubt their own thoughts, beliefs and perceptions. Her father used a gaslighting tactic when he declared that she must have imagined the entire episode.

What is a real life example of gaslighting? ›

Gaslighting happens when an abuser tries to control a victim by twisting their sense of reality. An example of gaslighting would be a partner doing something abusive and then denying it happened.

How does a gaslighter talk? ›

According to Psychology Today, gaslighting typically begins gradually, with a snide comment or critical remark disguised as a joke. The gaslighter may then deny having said or done something, tell blatant lies and eventually project his or her bad behavior or traits on you.

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